Am I making the right choice?

Was letting him in my life a mistake?? Was the timing right like I thought? Or was it completely wrong, like everyone else thought?? It all seemed so right. I thought the timing couldn't be any better. I was in the worst relationship of my life, only for the sake of my little girl. 5 years of hell only to find out that it was hurting her not helping her. I felt trapped like I couldn't get out, like I was afraid to get out. I have never been alone, and alone is probably what I needed. Of course, I couldn't help myself. That "Look" took over and I was sucked in. He knew about everything, it seemed like it didn't matter, like he could handle it. I should have known better, who can handle 5 years of baggage and a 4 year old. Plus our age difference really didn't help, nearly 11 years I am "his" senior. Mid-Life crisis?? Nah... just a connection that I could turn away from. I felt like he understood me, I was wrong. I don't think either of understood the other, the way we thought he did. I think at first it was lust. Yet the sex waited and the choice was his. He wanted me to know that it wasn't just about sex, that there was to our relationship than that. I'm not sure what happened still to this day exactly. I can sort of put the pieces together. We did spend a lot of time together, my babys daddy kept making threats and when we were not together, I didn't trust him. I would crazy text and if he didn't answer I would crazy text some more. His ex was pregnant with his baby, and I read text messages that really hurt me. It sounded as if he wanted more from her. I went into a jealous rage. He told me it would stop and promised to stop talking to her. I felt absolutely insane. The last time I was that crazy I was pregnant. Well, sure enough.... I was pregnant again. We already broke up by the time I found out. I honestly thought it would help him understand, but I don't think it did. At first, actually it made things worse. He didn't want the baby yet wanted to give me the choice, yet when I made my choice, he wanted to run away from it. I wanted to keep the baby. For selfish reasons, but reasons that I felt were good enough for me. The time was confusing. At first we couldn't even be around each other, then we slowly started to form a friendship, then the "lies" interjected. Then the truth brought us closer once again. We took a trip to Cali together. I thought it would bring us closer and it did. Only to find out later that when he headed up North without me it was see another girl. It wouldn't have been so bad but before he left we had sex for the first time in over a month. It was amazing and he made it seem special. It wasn't. He had sex with her, then came back and had sex with me again. He actually continued to have sex more than when we were going out the first time. We spent more time together, formed an amazing friendship. He even became closer of my daughter which was the opposite of what I wanted after the first time it didn't work. I wasn't certain if they had slept together. I did have an idea that he was lying about who he went to see up there. I finally confronted him when I found condoms in his bag. He lied once again. I knew he was lying but allowed myself to believe him, for my peace of mind. I was still pregnant and confused about what to do. It felt as if we were back together and that things could work out. A week before my last chance to have an abortion, I found out she was coming to see him. I lost it! Completely, how could he do this to me!! Over the last month we had reconnected. I did so much for him as he did for me. Really?? You want to spend an entire weekend with some girl you hurt me with? I told him I knew about her, and their weekend together. He acted as if he didn't care. I told him I was leaving and moving back home. He still acted like he didn't care. I was so hurt. How could he do this to me? What a fool I am for thinking that I meant more to him. After 2 days, he finally showed he did care. Almost begging me not to leave. Telling me that he would no longer talk to her. He wanted me to stay so badly. I agreed. I also agreed to have the abortion. I was tired of being sick all the time, and not feeling like myself. It was horrible, I was too tired and unhappy to be a good mom to my little girl. I thought it was best for everyone. I thought it would save our relationship as well. Call me a fool, I am. How can someone that continues to hurt me be such an important part of my life. How can I not let him go. So what if through all this, he does make me happy. He makes me laugh, we have a lot in common and now we do understand each other the way we thought we did at first. I had the abortion a week ago. Thinking that everything is back on track. Spending an entire week together, having both him and my baby home with me every night. Enjoying our time together. Only to find out she is still coming and staying with him, for what he says is just one night! Really?? Can I be a bigger fool?? We fight and he turns it around on me. As if I did something wrong. He said nothing would happen. Can I believe him?? I Don't Know!!!!! But he is still here and I am acting like everything is okay. I even apologized for getting upset. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I let him go?? Why???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Look

From the start, it was the look. The amazing smile that beamed off of his face. It was as if that smile was only for me and no one could come between. He could be across the room and our eyes would meet, then the smile would light everything up. Slowly the smile started to fade. I saw it less and less. It broke my heart to see it go. I knew something was wrong and sure enough, there was. I always had my doubts I knew it was too good to be true. I would think everyday of all the reasons we should not be together, everything that was standing in our way. But I fought it, til I could not fight anymore. The smile was gone and it was over. It was as if we were strangers that had never smiled at one another before. I had never felt so much pain. To lose something that made me so happy, to realize that I did have something but never let it be. To not see that smile smiling at me but at everyone else around. I thought my world was going to end. How crazy I felt, how crazy I was. All I wanted to do is scream, I wanted that smile back more than anything in the world. Slowly it came back to me, or so I thought. To find out later that it was not just for me, but for someone else to. I thought the pain could not get worse, when it actually made me sick. Now the smile is mine again, but I'm still having doubts. Why don't I just walk away? It's the look the smile that keeps me hanging on. To this day it can still make me smile even when its the last thing I want to do.

8 Things

I hate you more than you"ll ever know,
Words can only express,
The pain you cause, the heart you break,
And everything I regret.

I hate that I let you in when I should not have,
I've opened up my heart.
All I feel is you pushing me away,
You always make me doubt.

I hate the way you look at me,
Your smile is amazing.
It makes my knees get weak,
And my heart slowly starts to melt.

I hate how I cannot trust you,
It tears me up inside.
The frustration I feel from it,
Makes me want to run and hide.

I hate the way you make me laugh,
Even when I am down.
Or even listening to your stupid laugh,
It turns everything around.

I hate how I feel you don't appreciate,
All the things I do.
When all I'm looking for in return,
Is for our relationship to be true.

I hate the way you lie to me,
When I really know the truth.
And how I'm able to look past it,
Because of my feelings for you.

But most of all I hate myself,
For not walking away.
For continuing to want to be with you,
More and more each day.